Monday, December 28, 2009


Why did god not make me this cool!?

peepshow part 1 from peep show on Vimeo.

2009 in Review

Greetings, loved ones! We are home from NEW YOOOOOOOORK!

We made it home from the Empire State. We had a huge holiday, and a huge 2009. On the long drive home last night, I thought a lot about how skewed my perception was this year. All year long I felt like I was dragging a dead elephant behind me, getting nowhere and going nowhere. Actually, only in hindsight did I see that 2009 was a blockbuster of a year! Kapow! Out of the park!

First of all, lets just observe for a moment that 2009 contained 0% ex-husband. I was in control of my own life for the first time, really, well, ever, because if you really consider the facts, even after I left him he still controlled way too many aspects of my life. Before him, I was a child. Being my own captain for the first time was a shakey experience, but I think I did ok.

-I finished my tattoo apprenticeship this year, and worked as a paid artist.
-I lost the treasured friendship of my mentor.
-I got a regular full-time job and kept it.
- Got a truck, which impacted my life more than I realized it would.
-I was visited by Anna From England and had a great time showing her around.
-I worked hard on bringing the green charter school to life.
-I maintained my relationship of 3.5 years and was married to a kind, generous, creative and nurturing soul.
-I weathered a worldwide economic meltdown.
-I planned and carried off a BIG, FAT, WASP wedding.
-I sent the children to the new school, which actually opened.
-Our family grew to include Buddy, The Giant Bunny, and Gretel, The Homeless Cat.
-I blogged a lot.
-I sent a kid to Paris, France (not Paris, Texas).
-I struggled with reoccurring ear and sinus infections.
-I visited Puerto Rico, and enjoyed the best week of my life.
-My husband lost his hero, his grandfather, but he and his father gave the man a beautiful and graceful death.
- My husband's dream came true and he opened his wrestling training center!!!!!!

Really, no wonder I felt overwhelmed and exhausted...look at that list! The oddest thing is to me is that I felt that I wasn't getting anywhere. I got to a lot of places, and I am definitely in a healthier and stronger spot than I was a year ago. Silly girl! You had no clue!

I think the main focus and triumph of 2009 was FAMILY. The wedding brought us all together. The children spent so much time with my parents and with my aunt and uncle on the farm this year. My husband and I grew together, and our families actually enjoy each other's company. My husband's family truly became like my own. I spent a lot of time on the phone with my mom, and I finally could clearly see the benefit and feel the support of a loving, tight, balanced network of family. I reconcilled with my sister.

What I did not do: gain financial stability, lose weight, end my cycle of endless ear infections, get health insurance, turn vegan, open an etsy shop, collect child support or become a successful tattoo artist.

As for 2010, I hesistate to make resolutions. I still feel like I have a long way to go to become the Me of My Dreams, but I don't want to beat myself up about it all year like I did in 2009. On January 8th, I'll turn 30, and as a child I always dreamed of being my mind, the perfect age. I feel like the last decade was all about trying new things and making mistakes. What will happen in my 30s?

Love and light to you and yours, during the holidays and throughout the new year!

Monday, December 21, 2009

A Regular Mother

I have a little girl at home.
I kept her so nicely on little sandwiches,
little doll shoes,
skateboards, mittens and Raffi songs.
I sent her to school with a hug
and a lunch box.
"You are awesome!" I called.
I told her sincerely.

I am astounded by my Frankenstein creation.
"Do you know that I am your MOTHER?
There was nothing, and then there was YOU.
I made you. It is mindblowing. Really. Just think of it."
She looked up at me, and nodded.
She really didn't care where she came from.
She wanted to find the cat hiding under her bed.

I didn't add the most amazing part.
It is amazing because I am regular down to the very marrow.
My insides are beige, and slightly rotten.
I am not made of fairy wings and sincere prayer,
yet still, it happened.

It has happened six billion times
(just in the last century)
this business of adding people to the planet,
but is it always like THIS?

When she was born
I asked my mother,
"When does she stop feeling like a piece of me?"
"Never,"she said.
"No, I'm not talking symbolically, Mom. I mean
she feels like a piece of an arm, or a kidney, on the outside of me."
"I know,"said my mother," and the answer is never."
"Weird,"I said.

I was trying to tell you about sending her to school.
I sent her to school, and another little girl there
doesn't like her.

My daughter reported this to me,
and I had to see it for myself.
How preposterous!
Not liking my daughter!
Show me the cold hard facts.

I approached this other little girl.
She was pretty.
She was clear.
She was totally unintimidated by me.

"You don't like my daughter?"I asked.
"No, I don't,"she told me. "None of my friends like her."
"None?" I gasped.
"She brags. Even if I wanted to play with her, my friends wouldn't. I can't make them like her."
"Did she do something mean to you?"
There was a chilling finality in her tone.
This little girl was telling me that Santa Claus was not coming to the ghetto; that chocolate makes me fat; that art and music are a waste of time; that it was time I wake up and realize that war is inevitable.

I rose up from my crouched stance to my full height.
"My daughter is awesome,"I said.
I told her sincerely.
"All she wants is to get along with you and your friends. Show kindness."

Show kindness.
I asked her to show kindness, like all I needed to do is ask for what I want
and it makes a speck of difference.
Hey! End addictions!
Feed the hungry!
Show kindness!

My magical power was used up
in creating a daughter.
I am regular down to the very marrow.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Stay Human

You already know my husband calls me "his viking woman," a high compliment meaning thick, strong, tough, resilient, pagan, bold, and adventurous. He laughs when I walk out into the twenty degree weather, take a deep breath and say,"Oh, yeahhhhh," while he is shivering and hopping from one foot to another. I grew up in the cold and snow, and I genuinely love it. I get more excited watching skiing videos than I do watching porn. Scary, but true.

I feel happy in my blood today because it was about 25 degrees out, with five inches of fresh powder on the ground, and a blindingly happy blue sky. Winter doesn't have to be grey and dripping. Winter can decorate every surface with diamonds. When I have a new home, I'm going to decorate the whole thing in white and sky blue. I want to live in a Tiffany's box.

I took the girls and a friend to the big sledding hill behind the college. There were between fifty and one hundred people there, bundled in boots, snowpants, parkas, hats and mittens, festively throwing themselves down the most perfect sledding hill in the city. I haven't been sledding in at least ten years, but I took a turn at the back end of a toboggan with my older daughter sitting in front of me. We whooshed down the hill, and I felt so happy that I thought I might bust. The sled disintegrated under us. It seems that over the summer it was dragged behind a bicycle over the concrete, allegedly carrying one or more neighborhood children. I hypothesized that such treatment might compromise the integrity of said structure. On the next downhill glide, the other sled crumbled. It was also subjected to summertime abuse. What can you do? There were still snow angels to make.
The biggest news around here is that my husband's wrestling ring ARRIVED. It came on a big truck from North Carolina, all 18 feet of metal and rope. It is beautiful, black and shiny, with a black vinyl apron reminiscent of Batman's cape. He tightened the turnbuckles and bumped the ropes, and suddenly he seemed in focus. He has been in a million frenetic pieces lately, and they all became aligned into harmonic order. I saw it. I hope it is a good sign. He still sleeps only three hours a day, eats shit, and smokes like Dennis Leary. It pisses me off to no end to watch him dangle from a spider's thread on a daily basis, but he has to do this, it seems. I feel peripheral because, well, I am peripheral. This is his thing. I am proud, scared, powerless, nervous, and jealous.
An elf told me that I am getting some of the tattoo equipment I need for Xmas and my birthday (which are sort of the same thing since they are only two weeks apart). That scares me to death. My mentor took the wind out of my sails, and I am not feeling so confident after being away for three quarters of a year. Tattooing takes A LOT of self confidence and nerves of steel. I will practice on myself at first. I'm ruminating about the lyric I heard..."Every flower has the right to be bloomin'...stay human." Sorry about the dirty hippies in the video, but this is the best version of the song.
I want to work on single needle work that I can style more like a pencil. Hurts like a bitch, though, that fine line stuff.
Tomorrow is the Solstice. I can feel a schism in the field right now...maybe schism isn't the right word. A lot of thoughts and information floating around in my head without a focus, I try to grab them but I feel too heavy. Tomorrow the light comes back.
Ancient Origins: Solstice: "'Shall we liken Christmas to the web in a loom? There are many weavers, who work into the pattern the experience of their lives. When one generation goes, another comes to take up the weft where it has been dropped. The pattern changes as the mind changes, yet never begins quite anew. At first, we are not sure that we discern the pattern, but at last we see that, unknown to the weavers themselves, something has taken shape before our eyes, and that they have made something very beautiful, something which compels our understanding.'

--Earl W. Count, 4,000 Years of Christmas"
Blessed be!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Allentown Trio Yuletide Concert

I stumbled upon this program called Snapvine. You call and speak into the telephone, and it records you voice! How cool! I was testing it out, and it turned into an impromptu concert, including such selections as Silent Night, The Johnny Appleseed Song, and half of Miley Cyrus' The Climb before the dang thing cut off....

This is such a treasure! Someday my girls will be big, and I won't be able to hear those little voices!! Turn your speakers ON!
Click here for a front row ticket to The Allentown Trio Yuletide Concert

Monday, December 14, 2009

Entry Number Two Of The Day!

My husband all snuggled up with a cozy quilt, a cat, and an Anton LeVey book, fast asleep. xoxoxo!
Me, on my way to The Dinnah Pahhh-tea, darling.

Happy Happy Happy Holiday Of Your Choice

Hey, guys, I know you have been pining for some great green Solstice Celebration tips, but I bet you couldn't even IMAGINE that the hot girl in the Aerosmith videos had your answers! Get it? Pine-ing? Oh, holiday humor, you sleigh me! Get it? Sleigh, slay??? Hohoho!
Turns out Alicia Silverstone is hot on the INSIDE, too! Awww! Heartwarming!


Here is another blog that everyone in America should be reading: JINXIBOO.COM Jinxi is a lot like that person who I WANT to be, who, sadly, is totally different from the person that I am.

I also have been hanging out here: Christine Kane's Blog This is a link to her list of 21 ways to be more creative...beginning and ending with her advice, and I paraphrase, TURN OFF THE FUCKING TELEVISION! Sometimes her advice can be like those Life Changing Woman's Day Articles...Turn Your Station Wagon into a Porsche in Five Hundred Words or Less, but I get a strange comfort from self-help soundbites AND I have the self awareness to admit it. Some of my bloggybuddies have been choosing a word to define their coming year. Have you seen that? That is a Christine Kane thing! Have you chosen a word yet? I think mine will be


Because I love you,I will now give you the recipe for my current favorite Christmas cookie, made by my SUPER-BAKER MOTHER IN LAW, perfect for sharing a saucer with a hot cup of tea: It's not the holidays without Potato Chip Cookies

My day kind of sucked and was boring/dreary, but it was greatly enriched by The Chanukah Song by Adam Sandler. Here is Sandler's song being sung by Neil Diamond, I think...

Hope your holidays are warm and joyful, how ever you celebrate them...
Yeah, still nothing going on.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Looking A Gift Horse in The Mouth

I have found myself in a writing drought. It's not the writing's fault, actually. It's my life, which is normally my bottomless source of exasperated inspiration. My life is in a rather uninspiring rhythm right now. I'm so used to chaos that I feel awkward about the fact that my life consists of going to work/coming home to a happy family/doing chores/sleeping. I've started out entries and deleted them after the third paragraph, squinting at the computer screen and stumbling upon the realization,"HOLY SHIT BALLS, that is BORING!" Stablity sucks, man. No conflict in the plot.

I haven't been BEING ME very often lately. I feel like I am scrambling all hours of the day trying to please people, and well, come on, we alllllll know that I am not the People Pleasing type. My husband needs kids need work needs this...hustle hustle hustle. I do EVERYTHING that I do out of a sense of obligation. I know a lot of adults live in this state for years, my mother especially, doing The Right Thing morning noon and night, but I wanted to have more of a sense of freedom and joy.

Things are fine.

Have I defined myself by my disasters? YES! Without a disaster, what am I? So unused to a calm sea, I wonder if that flat, peaceful blue expanse is actually The Doldrums, gleefully waiting to kill me with thirst.

Is this ok, this safe, peaceful, repetitive life?

Damned if I know.

My cat, in heat, escaped the house somehow. "Oh, shit, she'll come back pregnant,"I said. She did return, all wet paws and cold ears. My little daughter, the animal lover down to the cellular level, cuddled her sweet kitty and, grinning widely, said,"Aww, Mommy! I could be holding five cats right now!"

My cat has a more interesting life than I do right now.

I am stretching myself to inhabit my safe little box. It's a new world for me. Climate controlled and artificially lit, I feel ungrateful even mentioning that it makes me itch.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I love Winter. Seriously.

I feel that buzzing happy holiday energy this year, the kind I haven't felt since I was a kid. I've found a whole bunch of joy in odd places lately. My husband surprised me with a camoflage steering wheel cover (the truck came with one, but it was worn through). He noticed mine was busted and replaced it. It could make a redneck girl weep...just. so. beautiful.
I took a pair of scissors to my own hair and a box of at-home hair color. Don't be alarmed. I do this from time to time, and I know what I'm doing, seriously. My hair was very unhealthy, which really brought to my attention that my whole body is rather unhealthy. I cut off everything that was straw-ish, dyed the whole thing my old-standby shade of red, and feel like a new penny. I have a face that goes with lots of different hair colors. Isn't that weird/lucky?

We have been laughing a lot at work. Even the most staunchly starched has been melting into giggles, and the positive vibe almost makes work feel fulfilling. Almost.

I took the girls for a walk in the freezing wind tonight. They don't get home til late because of the charter school bussing system, and I have been trying to figure out creative ways to exercise my little ponies. When I was little, in upstate new york, we went out no matter what the weather. "Wasn't that terribly cold?" Fuck yeah, but we went out anyway. Tonight, the girls and I went out anyway, and were terribly cold, but I rather enjoyed it. My cheeks stung in protest of the wicked night wind, but something deep, deep, deeeeeeep down says,"Ahhhhh. Back in your natural habitat." I embrace my inner viking woman.
Am I boring you? I am rather boring, but what do you expect from a story without conflict? Ok, Ani DiFranco hasn't left her baby-daddy for a new polyamorous threesome with myself and my husband yet, but...there is still time.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Don't be afraid, it's only bluegrass

Holy Shit! I love this song! It's bluegrass, so be careful... :) You may want to dance.

Imagine me, driving through the dark and sideways snow in my beloved green truck. I had mascara on and everything because I was on my way to a Eagerly! Anticipated! Dinner! Party! I had left my husband behind at home in a feverish heap with only the cat and his theraflu for company. My day was long, fruitless and frustrating. To my surprise, this came on the radio, an even more rollicking version than this was on Prairie Home Companion of all places, and Mr. Kellor described the band as "having everything a young band needs; interesting hair and skinny as snakes." I think I had a musical orgasm. What is WRONG with me? I'm from the suburbs of NEW YORK! There is no reason at all I should like this type of music, but I LOVEITLOVEITLOVE IT!!!! Oh, I am so saving my pennies and buying this album. Twice. And making all of my country-hating friends listen to it. Twice.

So, I've got my eldest daughter on my mind, lately. She tells me she is having trouble fitting in at school. It tears me up. I remember being nine, and intimidated by the girls who always seemed to have their socks match their scrunchies. Terrible stuff.

The cat is in heat. She tries to attract the interest of my sweet, innocent bunny rabbit. She must be pretty desperate, but hey, I got with my ex husband, so I'm not pointing fingers.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Beginning Of December

The night before last, I got out of work 22 minutes early. The moon was full. I put christmas carols on in the truck, and I sang on the way home.

When I got home, a woman popped out of the car, pointed a camera at me, and drove away. She couldn't have been taking a picture of me, could she? Perhaps she was transfixed by the gorgeous, glowing full moon over my shoulder? My holiday spirit was silently snuffed out. I reminded myself that the days of being followed by private investigators, aimed with the intent of finding fault and taking my children from me, are over. I forced myself into jolliness by loudly singing "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" as I climbed the stairs to the apartment. My home was filled with the smells of a good dinner and a loving family. My husband was vacuuming, and you know nothing turns me on like a man doing housework. I wondered what my ex comes home to at night. He wouldn't start that stuff again, would he? No matter. Years have passed and I have spent them building a solid foundation under me, I told myself. I am stronger, but even after years passing, the fear is still there.

My ex's sister in law showed up on my doorstep last weekend. I was a dishevelled mess, of course. She let me know that she is getting a divorce, and their house is being foreclosed upon. She has lost about one hundred pounds, and I would not have recognized her if I passed by on the street. I wished her all the best, but I felt terribly awkward. Those are the moments when I wish my hair was brushed, at least.

Last night we decorated the christmas tree. My mind was filled with work issues, and bills, and cleaning, and all the obligations of the holidays, yet all that melted away in watching the girls' glee. "Oh! Look at this one!" "I remember when I made this!" "This is my favorite one! No, this is my favorite one!" Many ornaments do come with attached memories. We unwrapped candles and light-up Santas, a ceramic centerpiece and a green and red tree skirt, and the girls' seemed enthralled with it all. Afterwards, we lit the tree and all the candles, drank hot chocolate, cut out paper snowflakes and watched The Polar Express. I wouldn't have done any of this if it weren't for them. I would have sat in my dark room surfing Facebook. Having a loving family is my biggest blessing.

I have torn the house apart. Since starting working full time in May, organizing the wedding, going away on my honeymoon, and my husband 110% focused on starting his business, the house did not clean its' self. I realized that I have never lived in one place long enough to need to steam clean the carpets, scrub the baseboards and launder the curtains. You have to WASH curtains? I didn't know.
I also didn't know how much satisfaction I could get from doing it. Don't be confused, it's not like, Yay! Housecleaning! but I am maturing into appreciating clean towels, folded and put away. I spent an afternoon underneath the folding table I use as a desk, going through papers and throwing things away. Then I went after the closet. Then I went after the girls' room (Goddess help me!). My girls aren't into toys. I know, it is weird. They are into projects. Knitting projects. Sticker projects. Sewing-painting-glitter projects which leave little paperbits-clothbits-glitterbits, sticky with glue, stuffed into every orafice of their bedroom. Beads are EVERYWHERE. Not just under the bed. IN the bed. Underneath the carpet that was supposed to be wall-to-wall. In the doll's shoes. In between the pages of Nancy Drew...beads! Who am I to stiffle their creativity? Never one myself for "tidyness", exactly...I may have found that even I have a limit. I have excavated about half of the apartment thus far.