I was crying big boohoo tears on the way home from work tonight, all over my mossy oak steering wheel cover. I saw a photo of myself posted at work for all to see, and I didn't recognize myself. I'm HUGE. It is not only that. It's just that I don't see ME in there at all lately. I can look into my own eyes and not find the old friend who always stared back. An abstract concept to be boohooing about, I guess. It's not just fat. It's becoming someone who I don't much like.
I want to stand up on a mountain and yell,"I'M AWESOME!" I know I am awesome, only you can't see it right now under the fat, and the business casual attire, and the frizzy hair, and the glazed-over expression. I AM BRIMMING OVER WITH AWESOMENESS. It's in here. Somewhere. Wait. I can find it. Just hold on a minute. I just put it down a second ago.
Wait, when did I put my awesomeness down? Was it New York? Virginia? Los Angeles? What year was it? 2004? 2002? 1997?
I looked at my own photo and I saw a fat girl working in a cubicle in a sagging sad little post industrial city. I don't see capable. I don't see thinker. I don't see strength. "THAT'S NOT ME!" I want to holler. "I CAN DO SO MUCH MORE! I'VE GOT A TEN THOUSAND GIGAWATT SOUL!"
Where?
Where is that soul?
When was the last time I used it?
What do I do now?
Ugh, photos. Don't believe em. You have a million gigawat soul. :) It can't come through the lens, it would break the camera!
ReplyDeleteI would say you are just doing what you have to do for your family. But (and it's as big as mine) the fact that you feel that way says something big. Just read back a couple entries and you were going on about finding a niche at your job where you felt ok. I can't tell you what will make you feel ok again but it doesn't have to be a big obvious thing. Sometimes the bread crumbs along the way are a big enough trail to recapture our soul.
ReplyDeleteIn the picture that I saw of you, there were crackles of light and sparkles of stars and lightning bolts in your gaze. Its visible in your eyes to me. You have juju and mojo.
ReplyDeleteYou are actually quite beautiful in visage, innovatively marvelous, and downright awesome by the cut of your jib.
Pooh on the photo. Just get healthier and stronger and find time for awesome of your own making.
Had an interesting conversation with Natalie yesterday when we were in the Lancaster area we were talking about what drew us to the Mennonites and Amish way of life. What we have realized after some studying of their religions is that they live a life that is not ego-driven.
ReplyDeleteIn contrast my "smith-family" upbringing was built on what fabulous thing you were doing, how fabulous you looked and how successful you were at proving that you were more special that any of your cousins. I chose not to play the game but my mother, being a good mother, continued it for me. The result -- I have a group of cousins who don't like me so much! And my sister hates those cousins that out fabuloused her. (Yes that is a word.)
Do a check and see whose voice you are hearing -- your own or your mother's.
I know what you mean....I look in my mirror and I see an older woman standing in front of the girl that I am...and then I try to get up from a chair and that older woman has decided to sit in my body and make it harder to move....it's maddening...
ReplyDelete