February's End

The sky has an endless supply of snow. Sometimes it hurls the snow down angrily upon us, blinding us and spitting at us, telling us we are nothing and we aren't going anywhere! Sometimes it sprinkles us daintily like glitter on a christmas card, full of cheerful well wishes, and sometimes it pauses to take a breath, but it is only a breath. There is always more snow on its way. The sky is white and low. The sign for the pizza shop swings back and forth at night, squeaking as it swings. We can't see stars.

The ground is warm, though. The snow dumps down through the air, but melts when it finds the ground. I saw snowdrops blooming today, guarded by melting, old, dirty snowbanks. I had the opportunity this morning, before dawn, to stand in the middle of a 15 foot holly bush, busting with red berries, and listen to the sparrows flap and dart and whistle around me. I was helping out with the paper route. I was supposed to be in a rush, but I paused in awe of the tall collumn of life fluttering all around me. It was my best moment of the day.

I forgot to take my pill once, and it was a very miserable day. I don't know if the pill had anything to do with it, but now I am superstitious. I'm supposed to take the pill for six weeks before even hoping for an impact, but I felt the difference immediately. On the medication, I have more energy. I don't feel despair, but I am still lacking drive. Nothing interests me. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I feel safest in my bed. The only things I want to do are things for the kids. Other than that, it can all rot.

I miss my creativity. I miss my spirituality. I miss my sex drive. I miss wanting to go out and be with people. My best friend gave me a good talking to today, and she told me to go easy on myself. To allow myself to be, and to love myself no matter what my emotional state. I get frustrated because I know I am "being depressed" and I know the things that pull me out of "being depressed", but yet I keep falling into the "being depressed" behaviors. She told me to do one good thing for myself, so I walked the mile or so to the girls' friends house where they had a playdate, and we all walked home together. Today, just a walk was an achievement, and that is difficult to admit. A fucking WALK? Yet, walking releases endorphins. Walking is on the list of "THINGS TO PULL YOURSELF OUT OF IT", so walking is good. Gold Star for Mountain.

Yesterday, I did all of the necessary-to-survive work. I went to the bank, grocery store, the farmer's market, put gas in the car, did seven loads of laundry at the laundromat, drove out to the country to pick up the older one from a playdate, walked the in-laws dog, watched scary tv with the girls and my husband cooked us a nice family dinner. We had to sleep over at the inlaws because our furnace was broken. I put my head down and just plowed through the work it takes to maintain a household. A very cold household, with the furnace broken.

I did take time to eat raspberries at the farmer's market with my little one. They were so delicious they made my head explode. They made me wonder why I ever eat anything at all besides raspberries. They were the most supreme raspberries in the known universe. She had a pocket full of quarters and wanted to spend them all on the mechanical horse and honey sticks. We had lots of good talks about things.

The end of the winter plods on like an exhausted workhorse pulling in the direction of the barn. This depression will pass, but it has been an ass kicker.