What I have learned by staring at the ceiling

I wrote a long entry about depression and how...(wait for it)...DEPRESSSING it is. HAr hAR HaR. It was so anti-illuminating that I deleted it. The condensed version is " Boy Howdy! I am REALLY depressed!"

My ex's dad, Pop-pop, lives down in florida. He had quintuple bypass surgery. I don't remember if I wrote about this, but there was drama involving my ex and Pop-pop, and just hearing about that sent me into a downward spiral. Triggers can be so insignificant, and yet, these little things are all it takes divert my emotional river. The good news is, Pop-pop came through the surgery just fine, and called us sounding cheerful yesterday morning.

I called my mom to try to talk to her about my ill health, and we got into a big fight. Talking about depression has always made her really uncomfortable. She told me that she didn't like the person that I have become, and then got into a plane and went to the carribbean for ten days. For ten days I have been chewing on this ascertation, and I have decided that it is really great that she doesn't like the person that I have become, because that means I am FREEEEEEEEEEEEE of trying to Be That Person That She Wants Me To Be. Yes! Ever since my mother and I became friends in 2004, I've been trying so desperately to please her so that she will stay my friend. I've considered myself a fuck up who needs to improve in order to gain access to her "Successful In Life Club". This is not her doing. It is all my skewed perception, and now I am FREE OF IT! I am going to be my own person, which is what I was doing from 1980-2004, not giving much of a jot about what she thought.

Dear Skewed Perception That I Have Of My Mother's Expectations,

1)I will not be white, upper middle class and suburban.
2)I will not be thin.
3)I will not be happy all the time.
4)I may never have a mortgage.
5)I will not sell my soul for health insurance.
6) The goal of being the perfect daughter is dead. Sorry.

Love ya! Have a nice trip!
Mountain

I want to make clear that this is not my mom's fault. This is all about the weird stuff that goes on in my head. I thought that if I wasn't the person that she wanted me to be that she would not be my friend. Seriously! I thought that! That is a HUGE sacrifice to make, you know, reorganizing your entire life just for one friendship, even if that person is your mother. I have treasured her friendship, but I have sacrificed too much of my own free will in the valiant effort to be what she considered acceptable.

I'm grown. The only person who needs to consider me acceptable is ME.

So, my mother does not like the person that I have become, and actually, that is pretty awesomely great news.

On to other revelations that I discovered recently while staring at the ceiling:

I have been through a FUCK LOAD of trauma in my life. I will not list them because that would be painful, but there have been a lot.

Since Nov 0f 2008 I have had a reprieve, but that doesn't mean that I can jump right into being emotionally healthy. I am not saying,"Poor me, lets focus on all the bad stuff all the time and feel sorry for Mountain. She should get a cookie." What I am saying is I have been hit by a proverbial truck. Although I look normal, it still hurts. Even though years have passed, I have triggers, phobias and scars. I have clinical major depression. Sorry. I don't need to make past traumas the center of my life, but neither do I need to pretend that I am totally fine.

I have felt pressured to act like I am totally fine, which I guess is the same for everybody. We all try to act totally fine. I have not felt the space or freedom to work it out. I have felt like my "time to be traumatized" was over. The bell rang, but I'm not finished with my test.

So, with a grand wave of my wand,"I allow myself to feel any emotion in the arsenal. I allow myself the space and freedom to work it out as long as the children are being taken care of and I am still holding a job. A job. Not the most wonderful job. I can accept help. Spending time "being depressed" is part of my healing process, and if I don't deal with emotions as the come up, they will come out in other, less convenient, ways."

I came across a book that has helped me almost as much as Cunningham's Depression Workbook. It is Ben Mikaelsen's Touching Spirit Bear. I even wrote him a fan letter, which I have never ever done before, and received a warm, wonderful response. If you or someone you love has experienced a life altering trauma, this book might shift your perception towards positive healing. This book also has amazing, emotionally full male characters, which I appreciate. Maybe this book will help you, too!

Thanks for listening.
mountain