A few things rattling around in my brain concerning compassion and suffering

I just thought I'd write down a few things in here. Thank you, Lucy, for the sweet comments. It seems like it's just us chickens around here, but that is fine. I just NEED to write things down. It's an idiosyncrasy, like my doorbell phobia. And my constant hair color changing. And my passion for burritos. Idiosyncrasies, friends, are brush strokes that when taken individually can be largely unattractive, but when put together will form a fascinating individual. I remind myself of this when I get irritated by my own unflapable quirks. If you took out one puzzle piece, the whole picture might be ruined, right?

So today was a sad and terrifying day. A lovely young woman at my office was just fine, and then all of a sudden stopped breathing. I don't want to talk about it too much because clearly it is not my story to tell, but it was ghastly and horrible and really made me think about God a lot. I'm praying, and I've been praying all day, which feels extremely futile. I don't mean to insult God, but I just feel powerless. Life seems to drone on like this oppressive, unshakable thing, and then today I was reminded that life can be light and flimsy, and fly away like a careless lightening bug just out of reach. We aren't really all that important.

In my early twenties, I used to talk a lot about religion, about Wicca, about The Goddess, and The God and spirit guides and ritual, etc, and now I don't feel so Wiccan. I know that my God and Nature are inseparable, but I have lost all desire to wave my Pagan Pride banner. I came to understand Magick so much more by learning about The Law of Attraction, but I don't feel limited to any narrow ethos lately. I enjoyed attending church on Christmas. I find hope in hanging buddhist prayer flags. I have an active relationship with my pantheistic Gods, and if you think that's ridiculous, it doesn't much bother me at all.

What I do think about so much more lately is how fuckin' rough life is. Death. Disease. War. Starvation. Lies. What does your, mine, his or her religion DO about it? To borrow a well worn idiom, about as much as a mustard seed. This young woman's suffering today was rough, and I want to understand why the universe is set up that way. Is it because we are here to learn? Is it because we are animals and what we do doesn't matter? Where does compassion fit in? I think about these things on a tuesday night.

I worry that I am not easing enough suffering. I worry that I don't have enough compassion, and that even my small compassion is not important enough to make any difference. Or, to consider the philosophy of Anton LeVey, why should I resist the cruel nature of the universe? Perhaps I should just, literally, roll with the punches?

I don't know.