In case you were wondering, yes, I am still a bright star in the creative firmament. There is a tattoo on the back of my neck that says ART NATURE SPIRITUALITY. I have not been focusing on any of these important pillars of my psyche, and for that, I feel shitty. My immune system has gone on strike, AGAIN, and nothing is fun.
HELLO! PROBLEM! NOTHING IS FUN!
Nothing is fun and I am coughing up chunks of green phlegm of impressive density.
My coworker asked me...
do you exercise?
do you take vitamins?
do you drink water?
do you eat beef?
do you drink wine?
DO YOU EVER DO ANYTHING HEALTHY EVER?
No.
That's probably why your immune system went missing.
Oh.
Those things are true, but all of that healthy and happy stuff is knocked out of alignment because I am not working on Art, Nature or Spirituality. Scoff if you must, but I figured this out at fifteen, and it has worked for me. If I don't have A, N, or S, I have Sick and Depressed. When I'm doing good things, feeling excited about getting up in the morning, taking care of myself all falls in line.
Right now, I'm wonky, and the profuse dripping from my nose is only the tip of the iceberg.
I am wonky because I am focused on the frustration of not having enough money, bickering with my husband, wishing my work hours would pass faster, aggravated by the children's needs, the dirty house, the clutter, the broken cars, etc, etc, etc. My days are overflowing with, for lack of a better word, the uncool. Or, to sound more Dickensian, D R U D G E R Y. The Got Tos. I do everything all day long every day Because I Should.
I cannot focus on the frustration. I have to find the love. Frustration breeds frustration. Love opens like the lovely lotus flower, expanding in goodness. (((I'm not even stoned. I'm like this regula'. )))
I have a thing. I was trying to write one of those Mission Statements, and I never quite got all the way there, but I found that I want to be CREATIVE, COMPASSIONATE, and CONFIDENT through ART, NATURE and SPIRITUALITY. That's it. It isn't pithy. It will never pass as a sound bite, but it has reached down to the marrow of things, and what kind of person I am on this planet to be.
CREATIVE, COMPASSIONATE, and CONFIDENT. CREATIVE, COMPASSIONATE and CONFIDENT.
Those aren't things to own, or jobs, or awards. Those are core values. Even in a prison camp, I can cultivate my core values. At the end of the game, I want to be the most creative, compassionate, and confident soul on the block. I can hone these skills by finding my way through art, nature and spirituality.
Yet, I get mad about money, about my job, about things breaking, leaking, rusting, sagging, and molding. I get mad about my husband not agreeing with me on which direction to steer this family's ship. I get mad that things don't change fast enough. I get disappointed that I am only normal.
I fall into a cycle of being PISSED OFF.
I am really good at pissed off. I can be pissed off longer, harder and stronger than most anybody. I am pissed off right now! I don't take breaks. I can multi-task PISSED OFF.
But, that's a waste to fight hard to get out of. I want to get back to practicing being IN JOY. In Joy is like being In Love, but you don't need a partner. In Joy is just being silly and consumed with the pleasure of life. I want to be in that cycle, not this one.
What do you think?
I think you are absolutely right in all you say here. I am pretty much the same and have no idea why I too have such difficulty doing the very things that I know make me feel better - like art, nature and spirituality. And swimming in my case. Will try harder. Love love love (yep, that's me again, A)
ReplyDeleteIn joy. I like it:) SOmetimes I think the trick is not live a life free of trouble, but rather to ride atop the waves of difficulty... go surfing! (Can you imagine lil ole me surfing??) And have the time of my life while I am doing it too! The rougher the waves, the more intense the trial, the wilder the ride is... the more intense the joy. My Jesus is the one that keeps me mostly atop the waves and not floundering under the surface. And the longer we surf this life together the more I've learned to trust Him. The more I trust Him, the more peaceful and joyful I can be no matter what is going on around me and underneath me.
ReplyDeleteI think you are right too. And, like most of us women, we put ourselves last. I often hold out on a pleasure and make it a reward when I am good enough...and am I ever GOOD ENOUGH? Not often....I think you can do this and find your joy again.....
ReplyDeleteWhoa. Good responses, so far.
ReplyDeleteYour "core values" are wonderful ones, but remember that they are also "targets". Sometimes we miss the mark we are trying to hit. I do it regularly. But each time I get a good long look at the thing and try again, I get closer to the center - the bullseye.
I guess I've decided that we never "get there", so to speak; but instead, are always on our way somewhere. Journey.
The journey is not always to a place. I think mine is more a matter of perfecting my mode of travel. I can travel angry, blind to my surroundings, selfishly, graspingly, thankfully, optimistically, or in complete dejection, and on and on and on. So I guess it's kind of a goal I must set each day as I start trudging along again. I just don't want to stop trudging along, because I want to know what's around that next mountain.
If you go over to my site, you might see something that will give you an idea.
Love,
mam