It is another tuesday night in my life. The moon is glamourous in the sky tonight, full and sparkley like a 1930s moviestar. The whole family went for a walk after dinner, bundled into our winter coats which still seem odd in their heaviness. My father always likes to walk the suburban streets of my hometown at night, and holding onto my husband's hand reminded me of being a small child walking with my dad. I remembered being so little that his hand seemed huge when I held it, so I only held onto his pointer finger.
We could all smell that someone was burning a fire in their fireplace, and it hurt my heart a little with wanting my own . Sometimes I am consumed with longing for a completely different life. Consumed-with-longing sounds ridiculously dramatic. Emily Dickinson was consumed-with-longing, right? Not a debit card sliding, cellphone using woman of the current era like me, but I really do ache with wanting some things-
a fireplace, pit, or woodstove
a garden
a dog
a house with a yard
to see my best friend
to go back to Puerto Rico
to get back to tattooing
Sometimes I get scared that my oldest daughter will grow up too fast, before I had a chance to provide her with all of the wonderful childhood I planned. Slow down, damn it! I'm not ready! We still need to go horseback riding! I need to erase those nights of dragging you home at two am from the daycare and we have to learn how to do cartwheels!
It is silly, though. My eldest daughter went to Paris and has been canoeing and has taken violin lessons. She is creative, kind and compassionate, but not only for her, but for the whole family, I kind of panic sometimes and think We Can't Waste Time Here! We have to suck the marrow out of life!
I am not built for a cubicle.
It is not really being unhappy with what I have. It's a desperate fear of missing something.
I appreciate what I've got. I got these awesome new shoes from walmart:
My husband got some very promising news about his business and was exploding with optimism today.
My husband got some very promising news about his business and was exploding with optimism today.I have youtube and can indulge my obsession can listen to all of the Ani Difranco music I want.
I found out that there is nothing wrong with my computer and that it was the monitor all along. I found the nearly forgotten ancient beast of a Trintron buried in the bottom of the closet, hooked it all up myself, wires flying here and there, and it's workin' like the indestructable model T ford that it is.
This song says it:
Love to all you guys. Look at the moon.
I could use a big sparkly moon right about now.
ReplyDeleteNice shoes, baybay!
ReplyDeleteI watched the full moon for a very long time and was transported! It was a moving, delicious experience of my place in the universe.
We were so poor and deprived when my first two kids were little. We walked everywhere, participated only in activities that were free and had no luxuries at all. As I look back on those times now - so very long ago - and look at my beautiful children, I realize that we always had what we needed - each other. Those two kids are grown up and doing well and it's fun to remember the free concerts in the park, numerous and lengthy trips to the art museum (no admission in those days) and walks with a toddler on each hip and a grocery bag in the middle, trudging back down the hill from the store.
I noticed that one of your best memories seems to be the feeling of your dad's hand in yours. See what I mean?
Love,
mam
Mam-very aptly and beautifully said. You have had such a rich life, but you don't talk so much about your adventures. I would like to hear more of your stories from those days.
ReplyDeleteDiane-You can share mine any ol' time! Hugs!