Emotional Evolution

Sunday night. Muggy. My hair up off of my neck. The 17 year old dog paces back and forth, back and forth. The desk is littered with chinese take out boxes. My husband lays ,with all of his clothes on, on top of the coverlet. That is as close to rest as he allows himself to get. He lays rigid, like a corpse, when he is sleeping. I kiss his lips sometimes, in the middle of the night, just to make sure they are still warm. He says I love you without waking up.

We went to three parties today. At the third party, a baby shower in a rented fire hall, my younger daughter found her breaking point and I knew I had only minutes to exit before the total nuclear meltdown ensued. It starts with hyperactivity, followed by excessive clinginess, then disporportionate overreactions...you know what I am talking about, moms? The overstimulated, over-caked child is ready to CRASH!

We made a swift and gentle exit, and on the way home my elder daughter says to me,"Mommy, I feel so bad that we had to leave your party early. You never make us leave our parties early, and this was your time with your friends. " Man, you could have knocked me over with a feather. My elder daughter's true gift from god is a huge compassionate heart. I never would have taken notice to a thing like that. Not at 9, and probably not now. I'm a narcissist, you know. I wasn't mad about leaving the party. I was just as happy to go home, but it really meant so much to me to have my feelings recognized by my kid. HUGE. I wonder what she can do out in the world with such a sensitive attunement to the needs of others? I hope she can keep that. Life can beat it out of you.

I do try to instill this virtue. I say,"How do you think that made her FEEL?" I say,"You know, that person may be wrong, but you will get out of this situation faster if you first address their FEELINGS...". I say, "It made me FEEL great when you did that so kindly." I notice that some other kids never think of others. Their parents think that as children they are naturally selfish and greedy as a symptom of  their immaturity. I think they are allowed to be selfish and greedy because they aren't taught any different. They don't grow compassion as they mature spontaneously, without guidance.

When my girls were born only 18 months apart, I forsaw  A LOT of sharing issues. I will tell you what I did right away. I knew I couldn't keep track of what was who's and how long they had been playing with it, so I just said,"We share everything." Even if it was a toothbrush (well, maybe not a toothbrush), if the other kid wanted it, the sisters had to share. If it was the case of a toothbrush, I probably would make the kid give her toothbrush to the other, only just to look at, not to put in her mouth.  If I heard the word "MINE!", I took the toy away and ignored their squawking. By age two, they knew,"we share everything" was the rule, and there was no discussion of whether they were going to have to give up the doll or the cookie. It didn't matter if it was new. It didn't matter if it was your birthday. It didn't matter if the other kid had no use for the thing. Yes, you gotta share. Yes, every time. Yes, it may not feel fair, but it the long run, you know that you will get shared with, too, and you have learned to be a nice friend. It really worked for us. It set up a household culture of thinking of others feelings.

I was writing in a paper journal about some of the things I feel that I have accomplished in life. None of them were traditional accolades...I got this degree. I won this prize. I got first place in this or that. I haven't done any of those things (yet?). Everything I've done comes under the category of emotional evolution.

- I mended my relationship with my mother.
- From rubble, I built a strong family unit.
- I helped my children heal from the loss of a parent.
- I instilled in my children a spiritual reverence for Nature.
- I healed my post-traumatic stress syndrome (mostly)
- I cut out toxic relationships.

Maybe I just NEEDED the most emotional evolution. I was born a neanderthal. :)

People often say that our children are sent to us to be our teachers. My serious, big-hearted Elder daughter, often taking on more responsibility than she should, puts compassion in the front of her life. She inspires me to do the same.

Love and light,
your friend,
Mountain